Friday, February 14, 2014

An Open Letter to Stupid People

Dear Stupid People,

Stop. Just... stop. No more of these things you do.

Quit vomiting up opinions because someone else gave them to you. Stop asking questions without at least thirty seven seconds of actively attempting to arrive at answers on your own.

There is less shame in acting more slowly than me because you're thinking about the consequences of your actions than there is in facing a lifetime of ridicule from me for doing something moronic.

Never forget, you are stupid. Yes, you should be ashamed of it, how else can you improve? Your job now is to acknowledge your stupidity, do your best to think occasionally anyway, and stay the fuck away from me.

Should you choose to continue bothering me, please understand that I have no problem whatsoever with illustrating your stupidity to you in excruciating detail, preferably with the largest of possible audiences. The next person who enters the store in which I work and asks me the name of the store may actually sustain minor contusions. Please especially avoid that one.

I will not pretend to be stupid just to balm your rightfully diminutive self esteem. It isn't going to happen. I realize that in the land of the blind the one eyed man is a heretic. I just don't care. You are not smart enough for your opinions to be valid. I consider the feelings of my vegetables, but this is because they actually serve a purpose. You have to earn that.

Thank you in advance, stupid people. Your cooperation is appreciated.

Yours sarcastically,

P.S. If you feel like this is directed at you, why do you consider yourself stupid? If it takes you more than seven seconds to answer that... then it probably is.

P.P.S. Bite me.

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