Sunday, May 11, 2014

Never Not Broken

So at this point it's known that I've been dealing with some mental and emotional issues. I hesitate to call it "struggling with" because I don't want to look at it that way.

I've been this way all my life, but most of that time it was a little thing. I was ten years old before I stopped sleeping with the light on, not because I knew the monster in my closet was real (which it was) but because when the lights were off things started moving that I knew weren't supposed to move. I'd lose track of time, wound up in the wrong classrooms in school because I forgot where I was going. It didn't happen often, but it happened.

Now I'm that way more than I'm not. Some months ago, a very close friend, who is one of the most perceptive people and best psychic readers I've ever met picked up on what I've been going through and told me I was going to fall apart, that it would get worse before it got better, but that I would be stronger for it.

Since then, I've been trying to figure myself out. Trying to understand how to overcome the fact that my own brain is my biggest obstacle. I feel like my mind is a puzzle and someone keeps taking the pieces out and putting them back together in different configurations.

I'm learning to ride the currents, to swim with the tide rather than against it. There's a lot I can't do anymore, and there are bad days. In fact, some of the symptoms are still getting worse, but I'm learning to cope. I think I can do more than cope, I can make this work for me.

I found an article which really spoke to me. The Hindu goddess Akhilandeshvari, the goddess never not broken. She is the patron goddess of trauma, catharsis, of growth through emotional pain. She refuses to give in to pain and fear, she embraces it and becomes stronger.

Akhilandeshvari promises that you are strongest when you break, that it is the breaking which allows you to become something new. That without pain, we have stagnation. Not only does she embrace the pain, she chooses never to cast it aside. Never not broken, she does not settle into a whole which has limitations, she remains in flux, constantly changing, becoming new every moment. The beautiful prism of color in a diamond comes from the fractures deep within.

That must be my aspiration, to become like Akhilandeshvari.


  1. Hi Katharine, I'm struck by your post on loosing track of time and things moving in the dark. I have no words of wisdom - you seem to have much of that and I wish so well, but I do relate. I am currently a fantasy writer (not my day job) and the reason I am is because I was in other worlds most of my life. Maybe that's why I relate to you and your posts. For me, it's allergies to everything. I was very allergic to eggs early on and the belief back then was - just keep eating them and you'll get over it. I didn't and as a result I was totally high most of my life. So I write about time travelers and weird entities. The witch world has really opened up a wonderful vast world lately too.
    Like I said, I have no words of wisdom, perhaps I get them from you as you post. Since I've given up eggs, dairy, wheat, nuts, soy and preservatives, I am so healthy. It's been a long road but my body (at age 62) is finally getting down to normal (almost). And I pride myself that by the time I die, I'll be totally healthy. But now I hate being in the real world and I LONG for to be with the Goddesses & Gods daily. Perhaps we chose this life because we knew that the real world is not the greatest. Hah Good luck to you Katharine....

    1. Well spoken Kit. I'm finding that madness is cousin to enlightenment. When I'm "not all there" I'm not just gone, I'm somewhere else.

      There are other paths to that feeling though. Find what nourishes your soul. Do that. Ignore the rest. Find the people and places that make you feel the way you want to feel, do what feels right.

      If all else fails, flying ointment is awesome. I get that effect sometimes just standing up, but doing it on purpose gives me more control.