Never Not Broken

So at this point it's known that I've been dealing with some mental and emotional issues. I hesitate to call it "struggling with" because I don't want to look at it that way.

I've been this way all my life, but most of that time it was a little thing. I was ten years old before I stopped sleeping with the light on, not because I knew the monster in my closet was real (which it was) but because when the lights were off things started moving that I knew weren't supposed to move. I'd lose track of time, wound up in the wrong classrooms in school because I forgot where I was going. It didn't happen often, but it happened.

Now I'm that way more than I'm not. Some months ago, a very close friend, who is one of the most perceptive people and best psychic readers I've ever met picked up on what I've been going through and told me I was going to fall apart, that it would get worse before it got better, but that I would be stronger for it.

Since then, I've been trying to figure myself out. Trying to understand how to overcome the fact that my own brain is my biggest obstacle. I feel like my mind is a puzzle and someone keeps taking the pieces out and putting them back together in different configurations.

I'm learning to ride the currents, to swim with the tide rather than against it. There's a lot I can't do anymore, and there are bad days. In fact, some of the symptoms are still getting worse, but I'm learning to cope. I think I can do more than cope, I can make this work for me.

I found an article which really spoke to me. The Hindu goddess Akhilandeshvari, the goddess never not broken. She is the patron goddess of trauma, catharsis, of growth through emotional pain. She refuses to give in to pain and fear, she embraces it and becomes stronger.

Akhilandeshvari promises that you are strongest when you break, that it is the breaking which allows you to become something new. That without pain, we have stagnation. Not only does she embrace the pain, she chooses never to cast it aside. Never not broken, she does not settle into a whole which has limitations, she remains in flux, constantly changing, becoming new every moment. The beautiful prism of color in a diamond comes from the fractures deep within.

That must be my aspiration, to become like Akhilandeshvari.